Dark Light

Everybody has secrets.

I have a dark secret myself.

Hardly nobody knows it and there are times I keep it away from myself, closing my eyes and playing the fool’s game.


Do I fear it?

Many people have fears, of failing, succeeding, dying, loving, caring, pain, misery, loneliness or rejection.

Honestly, yes I am a little in fear.

Because: What if-


For more than 15 years I have a suspicious spot on my right leg, my hamstring.

Not big, rather small, 0.2 inch, dark and hard. It is there, now, always, doing nothing, luring, just being there.

What is it? It is frightening, strange, maybe innocent, could be dangerous or threatening.

Probably a doctor should have had a look at it, a very long time ago.

Now, I can rather close my eyes and postpone repeatedly, over and over again.

Just forget, ignore it and feeling comfortable in the moment.


When I check up with my blue print, my compass, my personal values, Health is in second place.

I do exercise six times a week, have a diet with less cholesterol and I even started to eat fruit as a complementary supplement of my vitamin pills.

How does a luring dark spot of potential disease and disaster fits in this picture, this philosophy?

An evil that is able to destroy the future, plans, goals, values and existence.

Is it time to open my eyes?


The strange thing is that I am in the strength of my life, right now: my physical condition, my mental attitude.

Still…. The spot is always there, dark, in the shadow and waiting, just waiting.

Do I want to know? Now?

What if it is bad news? It would impact. My world will change, dramatically.

If I just keep playing the hiding game; nothing is wrong and standing in the way of the current happiness and prosperity.

Is it? For now…..


What if it will hit me, hard?

It can strike me, hard, blowing me away, entirely, within one month, 30 days.

The thought alone is horrifying and strangles me, pushing the air and reason out of my body.

Capturing my entire body…  30 days. So much to do.

Discovery afterwards with “If I had……” is not good enough, literally killing.

What is really important for me after all?



My mind is drifting, on a crossroads, doubting, uncertain, not sure.

My hands are tingling, cold.

A deep sigh is exploding.

Prickle in my neck, over my back, so cold.

My stomach turns into a ball and the pressure is piling up, rising to my throat.

From cold into heat and cold again.


Shall I open my eyes, confront destiny and twist the dices?

But how will it fit into my current life, artificial happiness? It doesn’t…..

So much to do……unfinished business, goals, dreams, desires.

It might have consequences, re-order, re-prioritize, discovering again what really is important.

Shall I close my eyes, like I am used to, were am good in?

Not this time……………………


I pick up the phone and make the appointment.

I take full control over my life.

No more hiding.

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